


behind closed doors

by Kazura



Category: Show By Rock!! - All Media Types
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-18 23:34:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11885199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kazura/pseuds/Kazura
Summary: At the end of a long week, Titan finds himself at his limits.





	behind closed doors

**Author's Note:**

> Working title: Titan is tired and thirsty: the fic
> 
> Post AAF's 7th in-game band episode

He prides himself on his ability to keep most of his unsightly emotions hidden.

He didn’t cry, when his father’s business went under, and his parents were forced to work in the mines to pay off their debts. He didn’t cry when his father looked at him straight in the eye and made him promise to look after his brothers, no matter what, before his father and his mother were sent away. He couldn’t, not when he had to think fast and find a way to keep himself and his brothers alive.

He didn’t cry, when Nickel first did over their lack of…most things, really. Toys, clothes. Books, even. Balt, precocious child that he is, understood, and hasn’t asked for anything, just that he take care of himself. But Nickel is younger and smaller, and Titan couldn’t help feeling helpless at his inability to give him everything he needs. But it’s fine, he told himself. It’s fine for Nickel to cry, as long as Titan himself doesn’t, and he manages. He managed then, and he manages even now. He’s their last remaining strength, and he can’t falter.

He didn’t cry either, when Orion left the band. Left him behind. Left him feeling empty and heavy all at the same time. When Orion stood tall and graceful still as he bid them farewell with his cold, unfeeling voice. He wanted to scream then, to chase after Orion as fast as his legs could carry him, to shake him by the shoulders as if somehow, somehow he could convince him to stay that way. He didn’t.

(He just punched him, his raw anger and sheer desperation getting the better of him after he heard how little Orion had thought of himself. Orion came back to him either way.)

But he would cry, whenever he could find himself a safe place to do so—behind the closed and locked door of a comfort room, or in some dark, pungent alleyway on his way home. He’s learned to keep it all in. To keep all of it in until he could finally, _finally_ let it all out. And when he did, he’d cry in what would feel like hours. He’d press the back of his hand against his lips to muffle his sobs as he leaned forward and let the tears flow.

It’s easier that way. Being the master of his own emotions, being the one in command on when and where he’ll let it show, will always, always be easier. Safer.

Which is why, on a day after a long night without sleep, he panics, when the familiar sting of tears fills his eyes as he sits in front of the piano in their practice room. It was a simple mistake. Just one wrong note. It’s a mistake nonetheless, and after a week of long shifts filled with demanding customers at his various part-time jobs, he can’t quite help but feel the greatest need to gasp for air.

But he’s not alone. Orion and Jii are in the same room as well. It’s no surprise, with Orion always being the first one to arrive, and with Jii always standing by his side, but he himself can’t afford this right now. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t.

His traitorous hands refuse to stop shaking, and there’s nothing else he could do but close his eyes and beg himself to please, please hold on until he’s by his lonesome.

Not in front Orion. Please. Anyone but him.

“Titan?”

Oh. Well. That certainly does the trick. He’s frozen now, his panic taking on an entirely different form as he feels Orion’s hand on his shoulder. Any other day, Titan would have relished the contact. Orion rarely touches him, but, when he does, it’s like this. A hand on his shoulder, steady and firm, accompanied by a praise on his lips.

But there’s nothing worth praising now, and he’s too close.

“Titan, what’s wrong?” Orion’s voice is strong. Urgent. Titan could have sat there for the rest of the day and listened to his voice.

He shakes his head instead. “It’s nothing,” he manages in soft, quiet tones. But he shouldn’t have talked. Even he could hear the slight rasp in his voice, and it repels Orion’s touch.

“Jii,” he hears Orion say, as Titan himself takes that moment to breathe. “Leave us. I’ll call for you when I need you.”

“Understood, young master.”

He stays quiet, running his finger along a black key while listening intently for the telltale signs of the door clicking shut behind Jii.

Within seconds, they’re alone.

He’s been alone with Orion before, of course. It was unavoidable, even back when they were in the academy. Orion had already declared themselves rivals then, but many classical pieces call for a violin and a piano to be played in harmony with each other. It was rarer for them not to be in the same room, when they were given the time to practice.

But none of those times had been like this. His heart had hammered against his ribcage even then, but not for the same reason as they do now. He feels vulnerable. Ashamed. All of this over a single note. How pathetic.

“Titan. Talk to me.” Orion’s touching him again. This time, it’s a gentle hold around his arm. The feel of it is enough to knock the air out of him.

He tries blinking away his tears. There’s no harm in attempting it. But when he finally, finally looks up at Orion, he sees only wide eyes behind golden frames.

The grip around his arm tightens. “What’s wrong?” Orion urges, leaning closer, as if shortening the distance between them would let him read Titan better. It only manages to make Titan’s blood race in his veins.

“Does it concern your siblings?” Orion presses. “If one of them is ill, I can send for a doctor.”

“No,” Titan breathes. Overwhelming warmth blossoms in his chest, and there’s an unnamed tightness in his throat. “That…that won’t be necessary. They’re fine.”

“But are you?” Orion releases the hold around his arm and reaches for his forehead.

Frantically, Titan leans back, bracing himself against the piano bench to keep himself from completely stumbling backwards. If Orion touches his skin directly, he’s not sure he wouldn’t just combust on the spot.

“There’s no shame in postponing this session if it were to your benefit,” Orion says. With the same unmistakable conviction his voice resounds in whenever he proudly announces Arcareafact's golden artistry, he adds, “Arcareafact would be _nothing_ without you. It would be a grave matter if your condition were to worsen due to negligence.”

“I’m fine, Orion.”

“You don’t appear to be.” Orion furrows his brow, and Titan finds himself horrified as he realizes that he wants to do nothing else at that moment but to reach out and run his thumb along Orion’s frown.

“I just need a moment,” he croaks out.

“Won’t you tell me what the matter is? Or am I no good?”

Eyes wide, he can’t help staring at Orion long and hard. Orion, whose tone has gone soft and quiet. Orion, who’s cast down his eyes, searching for something that Titan refuses to give him.

He doesn’t like the sight, and he can’t quite breathe.

 _That’s not it_ , he wants to scream, because Orion’s not the only one around whom Titan wears his mask. His feelings are not for the world to see. Not when he doesn’t choose them to be.

Yet, _that’s exactly it_ , because he’s the one around whom Titan doesn’t want to take it off the most. This weakness, crying over a small mistake, it’s unsightly. Orion knows of his despair by now, but Titan hasn’t shown him all of it. If he did, maybe Orion would truly, finally see that Titan’s not as special as he first thought. And maybe, maybe after he’s realized that much, he’ll see no more reason to stay and leave for good.

But Orion looks so pained, so lost at not knowing what to do at that moment, that Titan can’t help wondering if maybe, maybe if he were to pull Orion into a kiss now, if he were to grab him by the lapels of his clothes and crash his own lips against Orion’s, he might be able to ward off Orion’s worries and drink in his moans instead.

Horrified, he presses his scarf against his lips. He can’t possibly do something so outrageous.

But he does want Orion to stop making that face. If there’s something he’s sure of, it’s that. So licks his lips and quietly forces out, “I’m just… I’m just tired. But I’ll be fine. Really, Orion.” It’s hard not to feel vulnerable after admitting that much, and he braces himself for Orion’s disappointed sigh.

To his surprise, Orion’s gaze softens, and he gives Titan a gentle smile instead. _Oh_. “I see. That’s understandable. You’ve always been diligent at everything you do. However, I would be remiss as a leader if I didn’t allow you rest. I’m certain Selen and Argon would agree. Come. I shall have Jii prepare some soothing tea for you. Would Darjeeling be to your tastes?”

“Wait,” Titan says, as he tries to reach for Orion’s sleeve as Orion turns, likely to call for Jii, but Orion notices and catches his hand with one of his own instead. A current runs up Titan’s arm as he feels the tips of Orion’s slender fingers against the palm of his callused hand.

Notably, he doesn’t combust on the spot. Good. He’d hate to hurt Orion.

“I insist, Titan,” Orion says, his smile now bold and reassuring. “Of course, you are welcome to take the day off completely if you’d prefer. Perhaps that would be more prudent. Shall I have Jii drive you home? I will accompany you, of course. I’d rather see with my own eyes that you get home safely.”

“It’s fine,” Titan murmurs, his eyes drifting down to Orion’s hand. It’s still holding his, and the longer that it does, the more he’d rather not let go. He bites down his lower lip. This is too much. _Orion’s_ too much. He’s starting to feel lightheaded.

“Titan?”

“I,” he breathes. _I want to kiss your fingers_. No, not that. _I want to kiss you breathless_. Not that either. “I…want to get some practice in today,” he chokes out.

Orion frowns again, and Titan scrambles for words. “But, I, uh, I guess I could use a few minutes to close my eyes for a bit first,” he babbles. “At least, before Argon and Selen get here.” They should have been here a long time ago, really. Titan hasn’t the foggiest idea why Argon hasn’t slammed those doors open yet.

“Ah, you would prefer a nap instead? Very well then. I suppose that is an acceptable course of action. I shall have a mattress prepared for you at once.”

“No!” he might as well have wailed. He laughs nervously. “The couch would do.”

“As you wish,” Orion says. He tugs at Titan’s hand gently, guiding him towards the longest couch in the room. Once Titan is seated on one end of the couch, to his chagrin, Orion finally lets go. “Would you be opposed to a blanket?”

Titan manages a smile. “It’s all right.” He reaches for the throw pillow behind him. Wrapping his arms around it and resting his chin against its softness, he leans forward and closes his eyes.

“D-do you intend to sleep that way? I can’t imagine it to be comfortable.”

“Yeah, I’m used to this,” he mumbles. And he is, but, more importantly, Orion won’t be able to see his face as he sleeps if he hides it with the pillow. The thought of Orion seeing him drool in his sleep is so embarrassing that Titan buries his face into the pillow in his arms and tries not to scream.

“As expected, you never fail to surprise me, Titan. Very well. I won’t force you,” he hears Orion say. “The entire couch is at your disposal either way, should you change your mind.”

Titan hears the soft rustling of cloth, and he sneaks a peek. Orion himself has taken a seat on one of the other couches. Orion catches his gaze and tilts his head. “Would you prefer I leave?”

_Yes, don’t look at me._

_No, don’t go somewhere I can’t reach you._

“Do whatever you feel like,” he mutters, before closing his eyes again and turning his head.

“I’d like to stay here then,” Orion says, and Titan can’t help feeling grateful for the pillow in his arms as he feels tears prickling against his eyes for an entirely different reason that day.

Maybe, maybe one day, when he finally musters the courage to tell Orion about every single thing that plagues him, if he were lucky, Orion would still choose to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> For more ways to find me, [here's my Carrd](https://artwaltzed.carrd.co/).


End file.
